Monday, November 29, 2010

Jennifer's Body



Needy (Anita to the rest of us) and Jennifer are BFFs. They have their own cutesy little language, just like all of Diablo Cody's other characters. (They refer to each other as Monistat and Vagisil. Sweet.) Jennifer is the flag team captain, has a rockin' bod, and is the center of attention. Needy always plays second fiddle. The only thing Needy has that is completely her own is her boyfriend.

Jennifer drags Needy to a rock show at a local bar. The bar burns down. The band, Low Shoulder, wants to get in Jennifer's panties. So she hops in their van while Needy gets the hell out of there. Needy had overheard the band talking smack about Jennifer so she's sure they're bad news bears.

Needy is right. Low Shoulder made a deal with Satan because, hell, there are a lot of skinny jean wearin' indie bands trying to get a break. Virgin sacrifice seems like the fastest route to fame. The band has the mistaken idea that Jennifer is a virgin. Little known fact: When you perform a virgin sacrifice on someone that is not actually a virgin, you create a demon. Good to know, kids.

Jennifer freaks Needy the fuck out by showing back up at Needy's house that night. Immediately, she eats a roasted chicken in the fridge. Okay. Then, Jennifer proceeds to vomit black tarry shit. The things your best friend puts up with.

Whatever. Maybe Needy dreamed it. Until dudes start turning up dead, dismembered, and eaten. Two dudes in two months. Suspicious that Jennifer is pulling an Edward Cullen and being all non-sparkly and boring until just before one of these dudes gets eaten. Connection?

The night of the homecoming dance, Needy follows her boyfriend as he cuts through a park. Of course he comes upon Jennifer. As Needy catches up, she finds her boyfriend being eaten by Jennifer. Needy manages to chase Jennifer off. Still, though, the Boyfriend dies. Well, shit.

Needy shows up at Jennifer's house. There is an epic battle scene. Not really. Needy surprises Jennifer in bed and goes all Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Jennifer's ass. There's a little struggle, Needy gets bitten. Still, good triumphs over evil. Jennifer is dead. Needy gets thrown in a juvie psychiatric hospital.

The book ends with Needy getting herself thrown in solitary. She then levitates up and out the window and escapes. (All prisoners should be bitten by demon spirits. It really makes prison escape a cinch.) Needy gets picked up by a driver that is clearly ignoring her prison uniform in a prison area. Needy exchanges sex for a ride (Ooh, edgy. As Alice said, Another day, another blow job.) Needy's masterplan is to find the dudes of Low Shoulder and kill their Satan worshipping asses.

Fin.
  • I'm ashamed to admit that I paid for this book. Granted, it was like two bucks. Still, though, that's more than I should have paid for this.
  • Yeah. It's supposed to be a horror spoof. I suspect that Diablo Cody only came up with that after the movie and book tanked. 
  • This is an instance that I can say with 100% confidence that I could have written a better book spoof. And not just because thirteen-year-old Alison's attempts at writing a book are of a comparable caliber.
  • Remember when this story was all controversial because of a lesbian scene? Yeah, where was that? Because I was all excited to see what had everybody's panties in a bunch and there was nothing. Not even a friendly hello kiss. The book also doesn't show Needy trading her goods for a ride. I'll admit it--I'm disappointed. The promise of controversial sex was the only thing that made me finish reading this book. And Diablo's screenplay-to-novel-adapter-author-person never delivered. 

7 comments:

  1. Believe me, I heard a lot about Michigan this weekend since it was the big Ohio State/Michigan game this Saturday. No one seemed to realize that I'm from North Carolina and don't care about either school.

    They probably think I have no family loyalty.

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  2. wow. this sounds like a bit of a monstrosity.
    thanks for reviewing it so i dont have to read it.

    also, does anyone else wonder if diablo cody was listening to hole one day & decided to just make a movie using one of their songs for inspiration since that is CLEARLY a rip off -I MEAN a nod to courtney love's... erm... genius?

    heh.

    good post. :)

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  3. I had no idea that sacrificing a non-virgin would create a demon. You're right, that is good to know.

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  4. Ditto Sara Louise. Was the movie very crap? I never saw it...

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  5. I liked the movie...but you can forgive things in a movie that you can't in a book. I thought the movie would be awful and it was actually sort of funny. A lot of it was delivery though, and I don't see it coming off well in a book.

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  6. @RMB--That is a definite possibility. I feel like Diablo Cody is always making a particular effort to be super-edgy. Even when she doesn't need to be.

    @Sara and Amiee--NBC really should have one of the More You Know 90's PSAs about that.

    @Demitria--I really should check out the movie. Whenever I've read plays, I've thought that the dialog sounds ridiculous. But when you actually see it performed, it's a completely different story. Maybe that's the case here.

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  7. Hello, I am from Brazil and visited your blog. I Have a musical blog, and I would like your visit. We would be virtual friends... Regards, Claudia. www.temperomusical.blogspot.com

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