Blog Traffic

In the last year, I've become something of an internet celebrity. People are always Googling random shit and being led right here. Frankly, I'm concerned about some of the Google results that are leading them here. Seriously, people. I'm not running some kind of kiddie porn site here. Or a site about poop. (I was kind of asking for that one, though, wasn't I? Note to self: Figure out a new blog title.)

And yes. I do find this amusing. My google history is...erratic and eyebrow raising if nothing else. I have no room to speak except to say, 'MY PEOPLE.' Except for the sexytimes related searches. I don't really know what to say about all that.

I've divided the results into a four main categories.

Potentially Relevant to This Blog
Good stuff about lobotomy

1. It was outlawed.
Yep. That about sums that one up.

лоботомия

I couldn't agree more.
P.S. This is apparently non-English (Russian?) (Look at me being American and unable to identify another language. Thanks, public schools.) for lobotomy. I retract my statement about agreeing.

milwaukee brace

After my Deenie post, the internets say I'm something of an expert on archaic treatments for scoliosis. If you find that you or someone close to you has scoliosis, feel free to e-mail me. I have pictures of Milwaukee braces. That's as far as my knowledge goes.

is there an ebook for berly cleary's blubber

*headdesk*

Off-Topic But Not the Worst Search Results I've Seen.

work stress is turning me into a psycho
Word.

im not harry winstons
Me neither. I'm not even a single Harry Winston.

anyone done a transatlantic cruise with a baby?
Nope. Next!

can i relaz my hair chemicaly after it backfired 1day ago

I'm going to say no to this one.

Did the circus hide alcohol inside camels?

Um, no? Camels' humps are living parts of the camel and not some conveinent secret drawer for your booze.

Sexsexsex.

thongs--with/without pubic hair

That's really a personal choice. I don't think we know each other well enough to go into that.
ice room sex

If that floats your boat, go for it. Just be careful with that ice pick.

sex toys teen 18

What does this even mean? Are you 18 and looking for sex toys? Or are you looking for sex toy porn with 18-year-olds?

And let me just say, person--
If you were looking for something literary themed, shitty, and featuring 18-year-olds with sex toys, why did you skim right over all the Twilight themed porn sites? And thanks for Googling that phrase. Skimming over 40+ pages of Google results to see where I fall has left me feeling violated. (I never did find myself.)

mature women and castration

Whaaa?

lil 15 year old girl gets fucked by brother best friend

Noooooo! Nooooo! Go away!

dads sex storry littel girls

Where are you people coming from?!

16 year old's ass

Not cool, people. Not cool.



Nicholas Sparks Haters.

Nicholas Sparks is a douchebag.

I'm just fighting the good fight.

nicholas sparks novel with literary merit

Lemme know when you find one.
a walk to remember literary merits
None?

Reasoning with Vampires

Hello, readers. Today, I have a guest post at The Hindsight Letters. You can read about 16-year-old Alison and the very. worst. thing. she ever did.


Reasoning with Vampires. The blogger puts into words everything I cannot. Just why does Twilight annoy me so much? Why did I feel like there was something terribly, terribly wrong as I read it?

Ah. Yes. Because something was terribly, terribly wrong.

Case in point:








I hope you understand how hard it was for me to pick out selections from this site as a sample. Please. Go check it out.

Paper Towns

When Quentin was 9 years old, he was best friends with his neighbor, Margo. One day, the two went to the park. Underneath a tree, they find a man that has shot himself in the head. Quentin remembers that he took a step back while Margo took a step forward. This defines them as people. Quentin steps away from adventure and danger while Margo charges toward it.

After that day in the park, Quentin and Margo drift apart. One day a few weeks before graduation, though, Margo knocks on Quentin's bedroom window. She wants to go on an adventure. Now. There is a lengthy and detailed plan for this night. Quentin is not surprised by Margo's plan--she is notorious for running off for a few days--but he is shocked to be included. Margo is ranks about him in the social hierarchy of their high school. She has all but ignored him for years. And now, she needs him and his mom's mini-van.

Margo and Quentin spend a wild night together getting revenge on people. Margo has just discovered that her boyfriend has been sleeping with her best friend. There are broken windows and fish hidden in closets and clothing stolen from a naked cheating boyfriend. The night ends with Margo taking Quentin to the top of a building in downtown Orlando to look out over the city. Margo leaves Quentin with a cryptic message about paper towns and needing to escape.

The next day, Margo isn't at school. No surprise. They were out until all hours of the night. (How old does that make me sound?) Margo's car is gone, though. And her parents show up at Quentin's house. Q, as his friends call him, has therapists for parents. The contradiction is obvious. Where Q's parents are concerned about Margo's whereabouts and what caused her to peace out like she did. Margo's parents, though, are focused on what a terrible thing Margo has done to them. The humiliation! The locks are being changed! She is no longer their daughter!

Quentin tries to figure out how to deal with Margo's disappearance. She always leaves clues, so it is only a matter of finding them. Once Quentin and his friends start finding the clues, the story gets super awesome. Some of the clues lead to giant mystery-novel-style leaps in logic and a shit-ton of coincidences.

Still, the whole thing is a little epic. And a nail biter. There is trespassing like I didn't even know remembered. There is a road trip that is just--I don't even know. There is adrenaline. A great deal of it.

After everything leading up to the ending, though, the ending just feels meh. Like I stayed up until 4am to assure myself of Margo's safety and well-being for that? And everything leading up to it was, quite literally, making me lol and that's the ending I'm given?! Of course, I would have been devastated if the ending were more tragic. But seriously. After everything that's the ending?! (I'm sure this would make so much more sense if you read the book. Just picture me making extravagant hand gestures. And, as always, Luca with, "Thirteen! Thirteen!" that's how passionately I'm gesturing.) Gaah!

• Everyone's obsession with Omnictionary, the off-name Wikipedia, is ridic. Everyone is constantly checking it for trolls messing with the pages. Who knew that Wikipedia Omnictionary would ever solve the problems of real people?
• If Ben, one of Quentin's best friends, referred to girls as "honeybunnies" one more time, I was going to reach into the pages and throttle him. Cheesus. I am NOT a honeybunny! I can only shake my head at any girl/woman that is okay with being called a honeybunny.
• Ben, if you're going to demean us and call us honeybunnies, at least make it be two words!
• There's a part in the book where Margo and Quentin talk about never thinking of authors as real people. Guilty. How strange is it to think of all the authors you love as real people? People with feelings and bad days and vices and favorite trashy reality TV shows or favorite quills.
• That's what makes John Green's books so interesting to me. He communicates with his brother, Hank, through the YouTube channel Brotherhood 2.0. About every day or every other day, he posts a message to his brother. They talk about everything and the world is welcome to watch. It's all very adorkable. After watching way too many of their videos, I can identify all these obscure little references in this book. It's strange. Like my bff wrote a book and I'm all 'Haha! Remember that one time you were telling me about _____ and here it is in your book!" Except it's John Green. And he didn't tell me. He told his shit ton of YouTube followers.
• I'm not gonna lie. I've done my fair share of trespassing. After a few experiences with bumping into people in the woods at 3am (I should probably clarify: I grew up down the street from a haunted lighthouse. If this makes any difference.), I'm not exactly jumping the gun to hide out in an abandoned building. Reading about Margo and then Quentin spending the night in the abandoned strip mall, gave me the same physiological responses as if I was actually there. I had the sudden urge to, uh, void my bladder. And I wanted to run and hide so bad.
• Either I'm highly impressionable (true) or this dude is a better writer than I want to give him credit for (also true). John Green, your hype made me resist you for far too long. 
• Sorry this book makes me so incoherent. Just read it. You will be at a complete loss, too. Gah.

BSC #15 Little Miss Stoneybrook...and Dawn

Hurray! It's my 100th post! Which calls for something awesome. Like a vlog.

My apologies, however, for my laptop fan sounding like a jet plane. And for me sounding like a toddler. And for being super attractive. Y'all can't touch this.